Finding Nemo

If this post seems even more personal than usual, perhaps it's the meds making me loose-lipped. Some of you know my story; many do not. I'll give you the condensed version:

Based on the spacing of our kids, you'd think we planned every single pregnancy. Nothing could be further from the truth. We had to suffer nine devastating losses to receive the four blessings who call me Mom--three before Tyler, two before Darcy and four before Sawyer.

But it's the ninth loss that is especially significant to me. That ninth loss was a wake-up call, a reminder that I had a husband and three kids who needed their wife and mother to be around for them, and that my desire for another child did not trump their need for me.

After a particularly difficult recovery from my ninth miscarriage, Randy and I made the heartbreaking decision to stop trying for another baby. Mentally, emotionally, viscerally, we closed that chapter in our lives. We moved on. The world kept turning.

I have a couple of favorite verses in the Bible, one of which is Jeremiah 29:11. But through many of the dark times, I learned to cling to Proverbs 13:12 which says, "Hope deferred makes a heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Wow. Those words spoke directly to me and helped me to see that God had fulfilled my longing over and over again in the midst of my "heart-sickness." Who was I to complain?

You all know how this story ends, of course. God blessed us beyond our wildest dreams when I discovered I was pregnant yet again, and I praised God for His perfect plan and laughed at the thought that Randy and I had ever believed we knew better than Him.

Nine months later "Nemo" became "Sawyer" and nine years later, I still marvel at my longing fulfilled and made flesh. Praise God for His plan for my family! And happy 9th birthday to the boy who makes my heart sing!