So I had another "episode" over the weekend. You know, where in the wee hours of the early morning I turn over in my warm, cozy bed and CR-ACK! A muscle (or muscles) in my neck spasms and my head is glued in place. Oh, and if I try to move one millimeter in any direction, burning flames shoot out of the top of my head and I die. The end.
That's how I felt, at least. And I don't think it's any coincidence that just days after I wrote a post on stress (the writing of which, I might add, left me tense, with muscles throbbing) I experienced this life-altering event. Yes, life-altering, because there is no "powering through the pain" when I have one of these episodes. No, life as I know it STOPS and I have to send in the second string.
I was in tears most of the day Saturday, for a variety of reasons: Self-pity, grief, helplessness, anger and compassion all played a part. I felt sorry for myself because all my plans for the weekend were now balled up in a tight, angry knot in the back of my neck; I cried hot tears of anguish and grief (repeatedly, incessantly--just ask Tyler, my constant companion on Saturday) over my inability to go to Six Flags for Darcy's Christmas performance, something I'd looked forward to for MONTHS; I felt helpless and angry that there was absolutely nothing I could do to change my situation--I couldn't pop a pill or rub on a cream that would take the pain away; and later, with the performance over and everyone safely home, I cried again as I commiserated with my eight-year-old daughter who was heartbroken and in tears herself over the fact that I'd had to miss all the fun.
See, I TOLD you I had to find a way to manage my stress! I wasn't kidding, was I? Randy just shakes his head and wonders why I let everything get to me and I have no reply except: "What can I say? I'm a mom." Interestingly, when I've had "episodes" in the past, after the initial shock and pain I've just concentrated on getting through each day with a little less pain than the one before until the episode is all but forgotten. And I know it's only been four days but now, with so many additional factors related to "real" school (vs. homeschool), I find myself sort of reliving that fateful moment on Saturday morning when I realized my day was shot, and I cringe and shudder and almost want to cry at the thought that it could happen again, when I least expect it and at the most inconvenient time.
I'm not the most optimistic person you'll meet--this I know. So if you have any rays of sunshine you can spare just now, I'd be a grateful recipient. You know the old saying, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade"? Well, it's tough to make lemonade when it hurts too much to stir. I'm just sayin'.
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1 comment:
Well you know me. I can always come up with a way of seeing things in a different light. You could be be in more pain, maybe even in the hospital. They kids are old enough to take care of you and themselves now. So that is good. And you know what the problem is and what to do about it and most inportant that it will run its course and be finished. So cheer up and just work through it. It will be over soon. You your down Hope you feel better soon Love Ya Lynn
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