Resistance is Futile

Who can resist the siren call of a brand-new, never-been-used, with perfectly-pointy-not-stubby tips, box of Crayola brand crayons? Not this girl!

Tyler had a youth outing today and since middle schoolers don't have to bring any supplies on the first day of school, I told the girls and Sawyer to head to the van so we could go to Wal-mart, that one-stop shopping mecca, and load up on school supplies before the crowds become like prowling lions, seeking to devour anyone who should dare to even touch that Hannah Montana backpack they've got their eyes on.

Speaking of backpacks, I actually snagged the girls some really cute messenger bags a few weeks ago for $12 apiece and I was just sure they'd been mis-marked. Messenger bags for $12?? I'll take a dozen! Actually, I feel fortunate to have gotten them at such a discount because I'll probably spend the difference on a rolling backpack for Tyler, if I can ever find one. WHERE does one find a rolling backpack, anyway? I simply cannot unearth one anywhere, and I've been looking since December! (If your next question is, "Did you think about asking someone?" the answer would be "No.")

Anyway, we marched into WallyWorld armed with our school supply list AND an inventory of things I was able to salvage from the past school year--you didn't honestly think the supplies you see in the above photograph were going to cover it, did you? And for the most part, I was able to stick to my guns and not waver when Darcy wanted a Tinkerbell spiral notebook or Peyton wanted the special Sharpie "Accent" highlighters. But I have to admit, when I was a kid I always loved back-to-school shopping and the feeling of renewal that came along with a new box of colored pencils with none of the tips broken off. Or a brand-new binder with no scuff marks. Even the purchase of something as mundane as a cool pencil sharpener with an attached compartment to collect the shavings was cause for jubilation! So when all was said and done I allowed each of the girls to get one thing that was not on the list, and they were as happy as clams.

I know a lot of parents feel exactly like I do so I know I'm not alone. What I am less sure of is how many parents are as loath to usher in the new school year as I am. Let me amend that: There are many things about the new school year to which I am looking forward, to the extent that they impact my kids' happiness (the anticipation of seeing old friends and making new ones, starting a new sport, field trips). But there were multiple times throughout our shopping trip today when I found myself loading my basket with a heavy heart, not because of the money I was spending (I'll let Randy worry about that, and I was at Wal-mart, after all!), but because with every sketch pad or lunchbox or notebook that I placed in my cart, it was as though I were giving my tacit approval to the removal of my children from my home, my influence, my warm embrace, to be turned over to a cold, impersonal, stone "institution of learning" where hugs aren't given out quite as freely, where the values that others hold don't always jive with the values we uphold in our family, where individual needs can't always be met.

As you can tell, this is still a struggle for me, one that I wrestle with almost daily. My faith has been tested over the last six months and I've asked myself if I ignored God's call to homeschool when I put the kids in private school; if I failed to heed His instruction when I felt the intense, overwhelming desire to withdraw them from private school just a couple of months into the experiment but elected instead to tough it out until summer break; if I blatantly disregarded His divine guidance when I chose to pre-register the kids for the fall "just in case"; I could go on, but I think you get the idea.

Much as I often seem to revel in guilty feelings, miraculously--or should I say providentially--I've come out of my faith struggle a stronger person than I was going in. That is not to say that the path has been easy because it has not been--oh how it has not been!--but by the grace of God and through the prayers of many faithful people who have walked my path with me, offering me a listening ear and some awfully sound advice, I am confident that I have in no way neglected to submit to God's will when it comes to the education of my children.

First, I never felt "called" to homeschool. I chose to homeschool for the utterly mundane reason that I got tired of having to abide by someone else's schedule. It just so happens that homeschool ended up fitting me like a glove. So what of my longing to bring my children back home after doing my little song-and-dance to get them to agree to private school in the first place? Well, that's just what it was--my longing. I didn't hear God whispering in my ear, I didn't see a bunch of signs pointing unmistakably to the necessity of getting the kids the heck out of there; on the contrary, everything just clicked. Yes, there was a transition period that had to be endured, but if I saw any signs at all, they were indications that Randy and I had done the right thing. And if I am brutally honest, then I acknowledge that not long after the 2007-08 school year began, I felt God calling me to do something different. I've spent a lot of time praying that God would unveil His current plan for me, and I have faith that putting the kids in private school is part of an exciting plan that is still unfolding.

The silver lining in the cloud? Sawyer's only four! He's not going anywhere for a while! My desire to homeschool still has the opportunity to be sated, while I have the freedom to pursue some other paths that God has cleared for me. See how good God is?!