Giving Praise, Part One

The ruminations continue. Some days it's harder than others to carve out any real quiet time so that my thought process can flow uninterrupted. For instance, last week after we gained an hour due to Daylight Savings Time, Sawyer was up every morning before the kids went off to school, which meant that when Randy's car pulled out of the garage and took my three older children away, I still had one at my hip clamoring for attention.

I tend to feel that I have a somewhat cluttered mind, so that when the rare occasion arises that I can sit down and write out some thoughts I've had, it can be difficult to locate them among the mostly mundane trivia that seems to be stuffed in my brain.

Nevertheless, I've been pondering some things lately and just really trying to quiet my mind so that I can hear God talking to me, and I have felt Him stirring in my spirit. He's revealed some things to me that I've been wondering about (one BIG reveal is that He confirmed to me that I have been bragging WAAAAY too much--thought y'all might be interested to know that) and He's given me more to think about. But mostly, He has caused me to consider anew how utterly dependent I am on Him, and how absolutely lost I would be without Him.

Do you ever have those days where everything just seems to be going right, everything clicks, and you know it and you feel great about it but instead of going merrily about your business with a big smile on your face, you get this . . . something . . . this feeling deep down in your soul that forces you to stop, literally drives you to your knees, in thanks and adoration to God? That's been happening to me a lot lately.

I know I said I would try to write a retrospective post on the culmination of our first year here in Arlington, but some things just can't wait. I am still asked semi-frequently how we're enjoying Texas, the church, the new school situation, and I reply honestly that everything is great. But the truth is, it's more than great. I have this hesitation in my spirit that if I praise the virtues of my new situation too boldly I will somehow insult those I left behind, but I have to trust that those who really love me and who wished us well when we left Ohio were sincere in their expressions--that is what I choose to believe, anyway.

The thing is, sometimes I feel like an entirely different person. Sometimes I wonder if my old friends would even recognize me. I have a new identity. I prayed for so long that God would open up just such a door as He did over a year ago, and He has been SO faithful to answer innumerable prayers in that time. Mostly, believe it or not, I prayed for a true "fresh start." Not necessarily for my family, although we were looking for that in a sense, but for myself. My spirit was stale and stagnant; it was bitter, even. I felt distant from God, even as I cried out to Him. I realize now that I created the distance myself--God never moved an inch. He was there all along, being patient through my tantrums just like the good parent that He is.

And I have been rewarded. Not for the tantrums, mind you--no, I'm not proud of those. But I have been rewarded with answers and guidance and confidence and relationships such as I have never known before. A lot of it is timing, I know: For eleven years I was "the preacher's wife" or especially "Tyler's/Darcy's/Peyton's/Sawyer's mom." No one is to blame for that; that is, I willingly shoulder the blame, as even now I sometimes introduce myself as "Andrea, the preacher's wife." It's a necessary distinction sometimes, I think.

But at Woodland West, I have had the opportunity to introduce myself as, simply, "Andrea." My identity is now:

1. Andrea
2. Wife of Randy
3. Mom of four

And I understand that in God's timing, this is a new season I'm in. Because of His timing, I feel the way I do. And I can't help but fall to my knees in thanks for so many changes He's brought to my life and for the growth He has spurred in me. I said my spirit was stale and stagnant and it's true--I was stuck in the mud. I allowed my identity to define and restrict me. I don't feel that restriction anymore, though that doesn't make me any less proud to me the wife of Randy and the mother of my four beautiful, wonderful, precious children. I am so proud of all five of them I could just burst sometimes. Some things never change. But thanks be to God, I'm changing.