Don't Touch Me

I found a particular article in today's Fort Worth Star-Telegram v-e-r-r-r-r-y interesting, which is code for: "I knew it! I was right! I was right all along!"

Randy is fond of telling a story (aka making fun of me) about a canoeing trip we took with a bunch of teens when we were newly-newly-newlyweds. First of all, do I look like a person who would enjoy canoeing? Have I ever given any indication that I thought canoeing looked like fun?

If you answered "yes" to either of the questions above, then clearly you don't know me at all.

Nevertheless, like the good bride that I was trying to be, I gamely went along on the trip . . . . what am I saying? Randy totally MADE me go. But anyway, we got to the river and were assigned to our tandem canoe, which I have since learned is the technical term for "divorce boat." Yes, divorce boat. I've forgotten a lot of the particulars of the actual excursion down the river--trauma can do that to you--but it ended badly. Very, very badly. When a man promises to love, honor and cherish his beloved and then proceeds to dump her into the river, it kind of makes you wonder how seriously he took those wedding vows, you know? :-)

Sixteen years later, I finally have written proof that the decidedly UN-fun aspects of our little canoeing trip are not necessarily attributable directly to me. To wit:

The reason most couples do not succeed at tandem canoeing is because "they get frustrated, don't practice enough together, and literally get in over their heads." Is there some previously unseen video of Randy's and my outing all those years ago finally making its way around the Internet?

Whitewater canoeist Bob Foote goes on to say, "Yelling and screaming doesn't cut it if you and your partner miss an eddy or go for a swim." How about if you get dumped out into the river without a swimsuit, a fishing pole, even a measly pair of goggles? THEN is it okay to yell and scream?

"If you are both doing the best you can, even if stuff goes wrong, it's OK." Alright, now you're stepping on my toes.

"Don't paddle in an environment above your skill level. If you do, your frustration level will go up." Now you tell me! Unfortunately, my skill level is "standing on the riverbank watching everybody else paddle by." This was a no-win situation.

"Communication is important in tandem paddling." (Well, there you go.) "Both of you want to be heading for the same eddy or avoiding the same rock. 'The person in the stern shouldn't be barking orders to the person in the bow.'" I'll let this one go, except to say that I was in the bow. I'll let you draw your own conclusions!

"Couples getting into tandem canoeing have to realize it takes a lot of practice."

Practice? That would have been helpful information before I agreed to embark on that ride all those years ago. And how about a license to operate a 65-lb. boat of doom?